Guide · Children’s feelings
How to validate your child’s feelings while still saying no
You’re allowed to be disappointed and the answer is still no.
The lolly, the extra episode, five more minutes on the swing. You want to be kind and you want to be firm. The good news: you don’t have to choose.
Saying yes to the feeling isn’t saying yes to the request
When your child is upset about a no, it can feel like there are only two options: stay firm and ignore the tears, or soften and give in. There’s a third option, and it tends to work best. Let the feeling in, and keep the limit where it is.
Feelings are signals. Disappointment tells your child something mattered. Anger says something feels unfair. They’re not problems to fix. They’re information. Behaviour is different. Your child can be furious and still not be allowed to hit.
Limits help, too. Children feel safer when they can tell someone calm is in charge, even while they’re protesting about it.
Feelings · always welcome
- Disappointed
- Furious
- Scared
- Jealous
- Fed up
- Heartbroken about a broken biscuit
Behaviour · still has limits
- Hitting
- Throwing
- Running off
- Another episode
- The lolly at the checkout
Why “you’re okay” doesn’t quite land
Most of us say “you’re okay, don’t cry” out of love. Sometimes it quietly means “please be okay, because now isn’t a good time”. That’s human. But when a child feels very not-okay inside and hears that they’re fine, it can leave them unsure whether to trust their own feelings. Naming the feeling tells them: I see you, this makes sense, and I’m not scared of it.
Why “and” works better than “but”
“I know you’re sad, but…” tends to cancel out everything before it. Your child hears the “but”, not the understanding. Joining the halves with “and” lets both be true at once. It’s a small swap that feels clunky for a week, then becomes natural.
You can be sad but and it’s still time to go.
Try it
Build a two-half sentence
Pick a feeling and your child’s age to see a sentence you could borrow. Younger children need fewer words and more doing. Older children can handle a reason and some problem-solving. Change the words until they sound like you.
The blue cup is in the wash…
Oh no, you wanted the blue cup and it's in the wash. Green cup today.
Then help them through: “Two hands on the green one?”
Toddlers: One or two words for the feeling, a very short limit, then something to do. Skip the reasons. Your body and tone do most of the work.
Emotion coaching, in five plain steps
Emotion coaching is a way of responding to feelings that grew out of decades of research with families. It sounds formal. In real life it often takes less than a minute, and the first four steps are all the feeling half of the sentence.
Notice
Catch the feeling while it's still small. Get down to their eye level and put your phone out of reach for a moment. You know your child's everyday face, so notice when it changes.
See a chance to connect
A big feeling isn't an interruption to your day. It's when your child most needs you. Your child isn't giving you a hard time. They're having a hard time.
Listen and name it
Make a guess and give the feeling a word: “You look really frustrated.” If you're wrong, they'll tell you. Words help young children make sense of what's going on inside.
Validate
Let them know it makes sense: “No wonder you're upset.” “That would scare me too.” You don't have to agree with the reason. At three, toast cut the wrong way can be a genuine tragedy.
Set the limit, then solve it together
Say the limit and what they can do instead: “Jump on the trampoline, not the couch.” Once everyone is calm, work out together what might help next time.
Four ways parents respond to feelings
Researchers describe four broad styles. Nobody uses one all the time. Most of us move between all four, sometimes before breakfast. Each one comes from a loving place. The difference is what the child is left with.
Dismissing
Moving it along
“Don't be sad. Look, a bird!”
- Comes from
- Wanting your child to be happy, quickly.
- What can get lost
- Your child may learn that feelings are something to hurry past.
Disapproving
Shutting it down
“Stop that crying right now.”
- Comes from
- Wanting your child to cope and behave well.
- What can get lost
- Your child may learn the feeling itself is wrong, so it goes underground.
Laissez-faire
Letting it all run
“Okay, okay. One more episode.”
- Comes from
- Wanting your child to feel accepted.
- What can get lost
- There's comfort but no limit, and no help working it out. That can feel surprisingly unsafe.
Emotion coaching
Both halves
“You're so disappointed, and it's still bedtime.”
- Comes from
- Wanting to connect and to guide.
- What can get lost
- It takes a bit longer in the moment, and nobody manages it every time.
Four everyday moments
Made-up examples, but you’ll probably recognise them. Notice the shape: the feeling, the limit, then a way through.
The lolly aisle
5pm at the checkout. Your three-year-old spots the lollies, placed at exactly their eye level.
You really want those lollies. They look so yummy. and we're not buying lollies today.
Then: “Can you hold the receipt for me?”
If it gets bigger: Keep your voice calm and keep moving. You don't need to explain again. Next time, a snack before the shops helps.
Leaving the park
Your four-year-old is halfway up the slide when it's time to go. Give a warning first: “Two more slides, then home.”
It's so hard to leave when you're having fun. and it's time to go now.
Then: “Race me to the gate, or ride on my shoulders?”
If it gets bigger: If they won't come, calmly help their body: “I'm going to help you get to the car.” Stay gentle and stay close.
Screen time ending
The episode finishes, the remote is in your hand, and your seven-year-old is already bargaining.
You're annoyed. It's really hard to stop in the middle. and the TV's off now.
Then: “Want to choose what we do next?”
If it gets bigger: For school-age kids, agree the plan ahead of time when everyone's calm, like a ten-minute warning, or stopping at the end of an episode.
The sibling toy fight
Two children, one truck, and the volume is rising fast.
You're both really upset. You both want the truck. and I won't let anyone hit.
Then: “I'm going to hold the truck while we work it out.”
If it gets bigger: Later, once they're calm: “What could we try next time you both want the same toy?” Let them come up with the ideas.
When it turns into a tantrum
Sometimes the feeling is just too big and no sentence will stop it. That doesn’t mean you got it wrong. A tantrum is a child who is overwhelmed, not a child being naughty. Young children feel and act at the same time.
In the middle of it, your only jobs are to keep everyone safe and stay steady. In public, move somewhere quieter if you can. Anyone watching has very likely been there.
If you feel yourself boiling over, it’s okay to step back for a moment while your child is safe, or tag in another adult.
Stay close
Sit nearby, or just outside the door if they need a little space. Being there says “you're not alone with this”.
Use fewer words
Their thinking brain is offline for now. Long explanations bounce off. “I'm here” is plenty.
Safety first
If they're hitting or kicking, calmly block or move: “I won't let you kick me. Let's go somewhere quieter. Follow me.” Stay with them the whole time.
Stop negotiating
Listening to a tantrum isn't giving in. If the answer was no, it stays no, kindly.
Teach later
Once their body has settled, have a cuddle. Then talk about what happened and what might help next time.
You don’t have to get it right every time
You won’t coach every feeling. Some days you’ll say “you’re fine” on the way out the door, or snap when the third cup of milk hits the floor. That’s normal. Children don’t need a perfect parent. They need one who gets it right some of the time, and comes back when they haven’t.
Coming back is called repair, and it’s never too late. Children are remarkably open to it. If you’ve lost your cool, our guide on reconnecting after you’ve yelled walks through it.
Short on time? One line is enough. Name it, then act: “You’re disappointed, and we have to go. I’ll carry you.”
“I’m sorry I yelled before. I was feeling really overwhelmed. It wasn’t your fault. I love you.”
When to get more support
Big feelings are a normal part of childhood, and of parenting. It can still help to talk to your GP, child health nurse or a psychologist, especially if any of these sound familiar.
Some children, including some autistic children and children with ADHD, need support that’s tailored to them. Your GP can help you find it.
- Your child's feelings or behaviour are getting in the way of daily life, sleep, childcare or school
- Tantrums are getting longer, more frequent or more intense over time, rather than easing
- You often feel overwhelmed, flat or angry, or you dread the hard moments
- You're finding it hard to stay safe and steady when your child is upset
- Memories of how feelings were handled when you were young are coming up, and they're hard to sit with
If you feel you might hurt your child or yourself, make sure your child is somewhere safe, step away and call 000. If it isn’t an emergency, the services below are there to talk it through.
Free printable fact sheet
Words for big feelings
Ready-made phrases for disappointment, anger, fear and frustration, each paired with a clear limit. Fill it in on screen, print it or save it as a PDF, and bring it to your next appointment if that helps.
Open the fact sheetYou don’t have to work this out alone
If this has been feeling heavy for a while, you don't need to wait until things are worse to talk to someone. Our perinatal psychologists see parents from pregnancy through the early years, by telehealth across Australia, and most sessions are bulk billed with a Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP.
Parentline
Find your state's lineFree phone counselling and parenting support. Each state and territory runs its own line.
PANDA Helpline
1300 726 306Free national helpline for parents and expecting parents struggling with their mental health.
Where this comes from
Based on material presented by Frances Bilbao. Examples are illustrative and don’t describe real clients.
Clinical review
Awaiting clinical review
This guide is general information, not a diagnosis or a substitute for advice about your own situation.
References and further reading
- Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.
- Havighurst, S. & Harley, A. (2007). Tuning in to Kids: Emotionally intelligent parenting. University of Melbourne.