Guide · Fertility
Coping with pregnancy announcements when you’re struggling to conceive
They arrive in the group chat, in the letterbox, across the barbecue. Here’s what you could say, and permission not to say anything at all.
Why other people’s news can hurt so much
For many people, becoming a parent is tied up with who they are and where they belong. When you’re trying to conceive, it can feel like everyone else is joining a club easily, and that suddenly everybody is pregnant. That feeling is a recognised part of the experience, not a sign something is wrong with you.
An announcement can also land on top of losses nobody else saw: a cycle that didn’t work, a cancelled transfer, a plan quietly pushed back another few months. Treatment often moves straight on to the next step, so there’s little time to grieve. Each hope-then-loss can be its own small grief.
The guilt that follows
Anger, sadness and “why them and not me?” are common. So is the guilt that comes straight after, for not feeling purely happy. Imagine a Sunday lunch where your cousin slides an ultrasound photo across the table. Everyone cheers. You smile, and notice your hands are shaking. In the car you feel furious, then ashamed of being furious. Both reactions make sense.
It isn’t about relaxing
In general, stress doesn’t cause infertility. So “just relax” isn’t the answer, and struggling to conceive is not your fault. Looking after yourself still matters, because you deserve to feel better, not because calm is a cure. Feelings also come and go in no particular order. You might cope well with one announcement and fall apart at the next.
What actually arrives
The messages, and what you could say
A short, kind reply is enough. So is no reply. Pick the option that protects you on the day. It can be different every time.
- Uni friends6 members
Priya
Baby Patel, arriving in March!!
4
- OMG congratulations!!!
- Crying!! So happy for you both
The ultrasound in the group chat
It arrives with no warning, in a space that used to feel safe, and everyone else gets to reply in capital letters.
By text
“Congratulations, Priya! So happy for you.” Then put your phone down.
Privately
To one trusted friend: “The chat's going to be baby-heavy for a while. If I go quiet, I'm okay, just protecting myself.”
Not at all
You don't have to reply straight away, or at all. A single heart is plenty.
You can mute the chat.
Oh baby!
A shower for Jess
Saturday 14 June · 2 pm
12 Wattle Street
RSVP to Mel
The baby shower invitation
A whole afternoon of bumps, games and gift-opening, sometimes on the exact day you have an injection due.
In person, for part of it
“I'll come for the first half hour to give you a hug and drop off a present.”
By text
“A shower is more than I can manage right now. Could I take you out for lunch instead?”
Not at all
“I can't make it this time. I've sent a little something. Thinking of you.”
You can love her and still skip the shower.
“So when are you two having kids?”
at the family barbecue
The question at the barbecue
It's asked casually, in front of people, by someone who has no idea what the last year has been like.
In person, short
“Not sure yet! How's the new job going?”
In person, honest
“It's actually been a hard road for us. I'd rather not talk about it today.”
Not at all
Smile, top up your drink, walk away. Nobody is owed your medical history.
You can change the subject without explaining.
Aunty Lyn
Have you tried acupuncture? My neighbour's daughter did and fell pregnant straight away. Just relax and it'll happen!! x
The “have you tried…?” text
It's meant kindly, but it suggests there's a simple fix you've missed, and that it's somehow up to you to relax harder.
By text
“I know you mean well. We're in good hands with our doctor.”
In person
“What helps me most is just being asked how I'm going.”
Not at all
Leave it unanswered. Kindness doesn't always need a reply.
Stress doesn't cause infertility. You don't need to relax harder.
- MumnowAny news?? Thinking of you x
The “any news?” message
Every appointment becomes something you have to report on, and retelling bad news means living it twice.
By text
“I know you care. I'll share news when there's news, so please don't ask after every appointment.”
Hand it over
“Could Dan be the one who updates you? It's easier for me not to retell it.”
Not at all
Reply tomorrow, or not at all. “Nothing to share yet x” is a full answer.
You can choose who knows what, and change your mind.
Plan for the events you can see coming
Some announcements ambush you. Others are on the calendar weeks ahead: the shower, the first birthday, the gender reveal. For those, a small plan made while you’re calm does a lot of the work.
- Ask for a heads-up. “If anyone in the group announces, could you tell me first?” One or two safe people is plenty.
- Pick your default reply for in person, by text and in the group chat, so you’re not composing it with shaking hands.
- Have an exit line, and a way home that doesn’t depend on anyone else.
Say a friend’s shower falls mid-cycle, with an injection due at 7 pm…
The week before
Decide how long you'll stay
Half an hour, an hour, or not at all. Decide while you're calm, not in the doorway.
1.45 pm
Arrive early, drive yourself
Early is quieter. Your own car means you can leave the moment you need to.
2.30 pm
Hug, gift, goodbye
“I've got to head off, but I'm so glad I got to see you.” Leave before the gift-opening.
7 pm
Injection, then something kind
Medication at home, then a bath, a favourite show or a walk with someone who knows.
Permission to step back
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They tell people what helps, so they can support you properly. And they’re temporary. Stepping back now doesn’t mean forever.
Afterwards, be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend. Rest. Do something fun that has nothing to do with fertility. Not everything has to be about treatment right now.
You’re allowed to…
- Keep your treatment private, or share only what you choose
- Say no to an event, or go for part of it
- Mute, unfollow or take a break from baby content
- Change your mind about what you share
- Have a day where fertility doesn't come up at all
Asking for what you need
People often want to help but don’t know how, so specific asks work best. At work, you don’t have to share details to ask for flexibility.
From friends and family
- “Could you drive me to my procedure on Thursday morning? I can't drive afterwards.”
- “This week's full of appointments. Could you drop off a meal on Wednesday?”
- “I don't need advice. I'd just love a walk after my results call.”
From your manager
- “I'm having medical treatment over the next few months with some early, short-notice appointments. Can we plan for that now?”
- “It's fertility treatment. I'm comfortable with you knowing, but I'd like it kept between us.”
- “I'd rather not go into detail, but I'll need some flexibility for monitoring appointments for a while.”
Check your workplace's leave and flexible-work policies, or ask HR, so you know your options before the conversation.
Looking after each other
If you have a partner, they may be hurting too, at a different time or in a different way. One of you might want to talk while the other goes quiet or tries to fix things. Neither is wrong.
After a hard event, check in: “How was that for you?” Agree together what you’ll share and with whom, and who will field the questions. If treatment is putting real strain on your relationship, a counsellor who isn’t emotionally invested in either of you can help you hear each other again.
When to get more support
You don’t have to wait until you’re not coping. Most fertility clinics offer counselling. A psychologist experienced in fertility can help too. Ask your GP about a Mental Health Treatment Plan. ACCESS Australia offers peer support from people who’ve been there.
It’s worth reaching out if:
- The sadness, anger or worry feels overwhelming, or doesn't lift between cycles
- You're avoiding people, places or your phone much more than you'd like
- It's affecting your sleep, your work or your relationship
- You feel hopeless, or you're having thoughts of not wanting to be here
If you’re thinking about ending your life, or you’re in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 any time. If you’re in danger, call 000.
Free printable fact sheet
Boundaries during fertility treatment
Wording for invitations, unwanted advice, update requests and asking for help. Fill it in on screen, print it or save it as a PDF, and bring it to your next appointment if that helps.
Open the fact sheetYou don’t have to work this out alone
Our psychologists support people before pregnancy as well as after, including through fertility treatment, loss and decisions about what comes next. Sessions are by telehealth across Australia, and you may be able to get a Medicare rebate with a Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP.
PANDA Helpline
1300 726 306Free national helpline for parents and expecting parents struggling with their mental health.
ACCESS Australia
access.org.auAustralia's national infertility network, with peer support and information.
Lifeline
13 11 1424-hour crisis support and suicide prevention.
Where this comes from
Based on material presented by Frances Bilbao and Teresa Sartor. Examples are illustrative and don’t describe real clients.
Clinical review
Awaiting clinical review
This guide is general information, not a diagnosis or a substitute for advice about your own situation.