Guide · Work and childcare
Feeling guilty about returning to workafter maternity leave?
The bag is packed, the start date is set, and there’s a knot in your stomach that has nothing to do with the commute. Here’s how to understand that guilt, and make the first month a little lighter.
Three doors back to work
Which door are you standing at?
Return-to-work guilt tends to take one of three shapes. Choose the one that sounds most like you to see what it might be telling you, then peek behind the others. Plenty of mums stand in more than one doorway.
Tap the door that sounds most like you
Behind the door · I want to go back
“Shouldn’t I want to be with my baby all the time?”
When you’re looking forward to it, and feel bad for that
What the guilt is telling you: You value your work: the skills, the pace, the adult conversation, the part of you that existed before the baby. You also love your child. The guilt is two good things bumping into each other. It isn’t proof that you love them any less.
Try this: Notice who taught you that wanting to work is selfish. Is that rule yours, or one you picked up from family, culture or your feed?
A kinder way to see it
Wanting something for myself doesn’t take anything away from my child. A parent who feels like herself often has more to give at the end of the day.
When someone asks if you’re sad to go back
“I’m actually looking forward to it, and I’ll miss her too. Both are true.”
Behind the door · I need to go back
“I don’t have a choice, and I resent that.”
When money or circumstances made the decision
What the guilt is telling you: You value security and providing for your family. Under the guilt there may be grief, or anger that the timing isn’t yours. Those feelings make sense. They don’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing.
Try this: Let yourself name the loss out loud to someone you trust. Grief that’s spoken tends to weigh less than grief that’s pushed down.
A kinder way to see it
Going back is one of the ways I’m caring for my family right now. I can be sad about it and still know it’s the right call for us.
To your partner
“I need us to work out the mornings and the sick days together, because I can’t carry all of that and go back to work.”
Behind the door · I don’t want to go back
“I’m letting my team, my career or my family down.”
When your priorities have shifted
What the guilt is telling you: Your values may have moved since you went on leave, and that’s allowed. Some of the guilt might belong to other people’s expectations: a manager, a parent, the version of you who planned this a year ago.
Try this: Write down what you’d need for going back to feel bearable: fewer days, a different role, a later start date. Then find out what’s possible before you decide.
A kinder way to see it
My priorities have changed. That’s information, not failure. I can explore my options instead of squeezing myself back into the old shape.
To your manager
“I’d like to talk about what my return could look like. I want to find an arrangement that works for both of us.”
Guilt shows up whichever door you choose
Here’s the paradox: mums feel guilty for going back, for staying home, for going back too early, too late, part-time or full-time. Every one of those choices is common and normal, and the guilt still turns up.
That’s because guilt is the feeling of breaking (or being about to break) your own rules. Those rules are built from what you value, but also from your family, your culture, what your own mum did, and the highlight reels on your phone. Some of them you’d choose. Some you’ve just absorbed.
So rather than asking “how do I make the guilt stop?”, try asking “what is it pointing to?” Often the answer is something you care about deeply, and that’s worth knowing.
Use your values as a compass
Pick two or three that matter most to you right now. Then finish the sentence: I’m choosing this because I value… When the guilt flares on a hard morning, come back to it.
- Security
- Independence
- Learning
- Connection
- Being a role model
- Rest
- Creativity
- Contribution
- Time with family
- Fairness at home
“I can feel sad about this and still be making a good decision for our family.”
“I don’t feel like me anymore”
You’re still you, with new priorities.
Becoming a mum changes your body, your hormones, your sleep, your relationships and how you see yourself. Some researchers call this transition matrescence, a word that sits alongside adolescence: a big, normal, sometimes bumpy change that takes time.
So it makes sense if walking back into the office feels strange. You might be quicker to tears, slower to find a word, or surprised by how little the old office politics matter now. You might also find you’re sharper at prioritising than you’ve ever been.
Give yourself the same patience you’d give a new starter. You don’t need to be the parent or the employee you were before. Aim for good enough: warm, responsive and right most of the time, at home and at work. When you look after yourself, that steadiness flows down to your child too.
A gentler first month
Your first four weeks back
Most people take months, not days, to find their rhythm. Give each week one small focus rather than trying to fix everything at once.
- Week 1
Land gently
- Expect to be tired. Plan easy dinners and an early night or two.
- Leave on time where you can. You don’t have to prove anything yet.
- Have a back-up for pick-up if a meeting runs over.
- Week 2
Find a rhythm
- Notice which mornings run smoothly, and why.
- Swap one thing that isn’t working, like bag-packing the night before.
- Check in with your partner about who’s carrying what.
- Week 3
Reconnect at work
- Grab a coffee with a colleague you’ve missed.
- Ask your manager what matters most for the next few months.
- Name one part of your job you’re enjoying again.
- Week 4
Check in and adjust
- Ask: is this hard because it’s new, or because something needs to change?
- Compare yourself with you a month ago, not with anyone else.
- Use the support plan to decide what to keep and what to tweak.
Talking to your employer
A short conversation before your first day can take a lot of the dread out of it. Go in knowing what you’d like to ask for, and offer a way to make it work for the team too. A trial period with a review date is often an easier yes.
Your rights around flexible work, parental leave and returning to your job are set by law, and the details change from time to time. Check your rights with the Fair Work Ombudsman, or talk to HR or your union before the conversation, so you know where you stand.
If you’re breastfeeding or expressing
Raise it before you return so there’s a private space, a fridge and time set aside. Practise expressing a week or two ahead, and build in a buffer on busy days. The Australian Breastfeeding Association has practical guidance for parents and workplaces. And if your feeding plan needs to change once you’re back, that’s okay too.
A few weeks before you return
“I’m looking forward to coming back on the 3rd. Could we book half an hour beforehand to talk about my hours, what’s changed while I’ve been away, and what a realistic first month looks like?”
Asking for flexibility
“I’d like to ask about working from home on Fridays. Here’s how I’d make sure my work is covered. Could we try it for eight weeks and then review it together?”
Feeding or expressing
“I’m still breastfeeding, so I’ll need a private space and a couple of short breaks during the day. Can we work out what will suit the team?”
A bumpy week
“Settling into care has been rocky this week, so I’ll be leaving right on time each day. Here’s what I’ll have finished by Thursday.”
Share the load before you’re back
A lot of return-to-work guilt is really overload in disguise. If you’re still the one who remembers the spare clothes, books the vaccinations and takes every call from childcare, going back to work adds a second job on top of the first. Talk with your partner or co-parent before your start date, while there’s still room to plan.
If you’re parenting solo, the same list works with grandparents, friends or a neighbour you trust. Asking for help is a plan, not a failure.
- Hand over whole jobs, not single tasks: “you own daycare bags”, not “can you grab the hat?”
- Agree now who stays home on sick days, so it isn’t decided in a panic at 6am.
- Put both phone numbers on the childcare form, and decide whose phone rings first.
- Plan a weekly ten-minute check-in to swap what’s working and what isn’t.
When it’s more than guilt
Some sadness and worry in the first weeks back is part of a big change. But if it isn’t easing, or it’s getting heavier, it may be perinatal anxiety or depression. Both are common, and both are very treatable. Going back to work isn’t a cure for them, and staying home isn’t either. Support is.
It also helps to ask honestly: does this need a new way of looking at it, or does something actually need to change? Reframing isn’t about pretending things are fine. If the plan isn’t working, it’s okay to change the plan.
Talk to your GP, a perinatal psychologist or PANDA if you notice:
- Low mood or flatness that sticks around for more than a couple of weeks
- Worry or dread that won’t settle, even on good days
- Trouble sleeping even when you have the chance
- Losing interest in things you usually enjoy
- Panic, a racing heart or feeling on edge most of the time
- Feeling like a burden, or thoughts of harming yourself
If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 any time. If you’re in danger now, call 000.
Free printable fact sheet
My return-to-work support plan
Worries, priorities, childcare, practical support and a check-in after you start. Fill it in on screen, print it or save it as a PDF, and bring it to your next appointment if that helps.
Open the fact sheetYou don’t have to work this out alone
If this has been feeling heavy for a while, you don't need to wait until things are worse to talk to someone. Our perinatal psychologists see parents from pregnancy through the early years, by telehealth across Australia, and most sessions are bulk billed with a Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP.
PANDA Helpline
1300 726 306Free national helpline for parents and expecting parents struggling with their mental health.
Parentline
Find your state's lineFree phone counselling and parenting support. Each state and territory runs its own line.
Lifeline
13 11 1424-hour crisis support and suicide prevention.
Where this comes from
Based on material presented by the Mums Matter Psychology team. Examples are illustrative and don’t describe real clients.
Clinical review
Awaiting clinical review
This guide is general information, not a diagnosis or a substitute for advice about your own situation.